"Longing to hold together a heart that has not been fully broken, he searches for a tear, and finds nothing"

My two friends and I wanted to write a book and change the world. We each had a section, one was photography, one was drawing, and one was writing. I was the writing section. In this book we would open up the eyes of those striving for life and show them what they had to offer. Although this book didn't make it as far as we would have liked, it so strongly illustrates how i view writing, and how much it has meant to me. This is the first part of our book entitled, Desperate Dreams of the Undefined.

Take everything and describe it into words and make those words the very thing that will describe you. She looked at everything around her and whenever she attempted to explain it she would stutter. So her pen became her mouth and the ink inside became her voice. She wrote with grace and let her words flow knowing this was the only thing ever beautiful to her. When looked at she was nothing special and they passed over her. But when read they saw something hidden, something only the untouched can possess. Only those who took their precious time to read what she wrote for them would experience just a moment of individuality. Quickly they'd return to black and white while she tried to describe to them what color looked like. She continued to float through life, unable to decide where she wanted to land. Until one day she could no longer defy gravity, and she fell down onto reality. But somehow, it caught her and she was able to look around and see where she was. These people, the ones she hated and despised, had been waiting for her. With a quick glance back and a small step forward, i dreamed something desperate. No one has ever attempted to explain this, but simply, we are undefined. In many ways, we are all different in our dreams and desperate in our identities. With much regret but little sorrow, us 3 will dive into the unknown. We'll have something to present once we return, but until then, we're swimming through the black, peering into the darkness, and searching for the blue.

"I'm just a little lost and confused. I'll find my way, but the path always takes me a little deeper before my footsteps appear in the sand again."

"My relationship with my mom is crumbling. It's crumbling because of a simple misunderstanding, and i've lost you. You've forgotten me, the dreams I have and the morals i used to define myself with. I can promise myself this a phase, but to you it's a downward spiral. So i guess you'll watch me fall, while I simply see it as the last act of freedom I have. The only terrifying part is i'm not sure if you know me better than i know myself."
-Feb. 24th, 2010

My mom was coming home from the hospital that night, and my best friend and I wanted to make her room nice when she arrived. When you go through chemo you can't share things with anybody else, and germs from others are forbidden. We went to walmart and got cleaning supplies, and things for her room like pictures and and flowers because she would be spending most of her time there for the next 6 months. We were just about done shopping, but ended up in the pet section where we saw the fish tanks. Next thing we knew we were scoping out the .99 cent goldfish, picking the one we were most fond of. We finally found our prime candidate, Nemo.

How do you surprise a mom who’s done everything for you?
She makes your bed and cleans your clothes
and finds your missing shoe.
She picks you up and takes you there,
Piano lessons too.
Loves and cares for all her friends she’ll never let them down.
Her smile brightens all our lives,
It never wears a frown.

So here I am a fish named Nemo
To help you through your chemo.
When days seem dark I’ll be your light;
We’ll form the strength to fight.
I know you’re feeling all alone and no one understands,
But our Creator cares for us both,
He crafted us with his hands.
So don’t give up, I’ll be your friend,
We’ll look back and say we’ve won.
In this short season we’ll learn and grow,
The battle will be done.


"I don’t want to say that bad things happen to make you appreciate what you have, and may be taking for granted. I don’t want to say that, and I won’t.
But I kiss my mom every day, and tell her I love her. And while I won’t say that bad things happen to good people to make them appreciate what they have, I am appreciating more than ever what I’ve been given."
-Feb. 28th, 2010

"It's funny how you go somewhere with nothing and come back with so much more than you left."

It was the summer before my sophomore year in high school. I was away at a college in New York for four days at a writing camp I had applied for and got accepted to. About three days after I arrived, I got a call from my coach saying my friend had lost her mom suddenly. From that moment I did everything I could to find a way to get home. In the car with my grandparents on the way home I did the only thing that made sense to me; I wrote her a poem.


This Wall

Don't you understand?
You try to compare her so you can better understand.
You do not understand and you cannot.
I will not compare her,
for she is beautiful.
Watch.
Pictures are being painted.
Painted by numb fingers as they rise to wipe silent tears.
I will hang your pictures on the wall.
The wall we built when we could no longer take the pain.
No, don't try to climb the wall.
It will crumble on its own.
It will age with time,
and the memories will fade.
Do you see those cracks?
You're getting stronger
and it's getting weaker.
When will they see that I cannot compare you?
I cannot compare you;
for you are beautiful.
Don't listen to him.
This is not the end.
There is no point where we stop going on.
We're walking down a path lit by angels.
They're all around,
do you see them?
As long as you don't walk away they will never leave.
Take my hand,
I am blind without it.
Please do not let go.
Will you open your eyes?
Can't you see now that I cannot compare her?
I cannot compare her;
for she is all I have that is beautiful.

"Alot has happened but nothings changed"

Its been two weeks, and it's time to go home. They waited a year to see each other and their time together is up. The girl stands outside on the sidewalk as the boy pulls up. He lives there, but she can't stay. She has to begin her life, start college and leave everything behind her. He knows how the process goes, but he can't seem to perform the motions. They say goodbye, and he closes her car door with a simple "I'll be seeing you." The two part ways, and she drives back, playing the memories over in her head.

They have both started their lives at college. It's been a month since they've seen each other. The boy checks his mailbox like any other day, finding a handwritten letter with no return address. He holds the letter, imagining her voice as he reads it.

Dear Zach
How are you? Is your apartment everything you wished for and more? I'm loving college. I should not have believed you when you said freshman year is an easy work load-it's definitely not. I asked my mom about going to Michigan at Christmas and she said it depends on when I get my tonsils out. Loser. Every time I hear dubstep I think of us driving around the state of Michigan trying to find a white castle. I can picture your laugh and backwards hat so perfectly. You always said I looked nice when we first saw each other. "Dubbed best knight ever." I wish I could go back to that. There was no such thing as the future. College was a world away and the only thing I had to worry about was the sound of my car coming down the driveway at 5a.m. We were always together for the sunrise but we were always thinking about it too much to ever watch it go up. I don't think we'll ever be back there again-sneaking around your house, driving through Milford, visiting your grandma's house, searching for working gas stations. We'll never be there again, but we'll always be there to me.
I miss you.

Life left to go

I got home for fall free days two days ago (wed.). My friend jer told me he was going to see galen yesterday, and i thought i would really like to go. Galen has been in the hospital for 10 months ever since he got hit by a car, and things went from bad to worse in the hospital. He's about 65 years old.
I brought my book, crazy love because i knew he couldn't speak well. I knew i had seen it in a movie before where somebody read to someone but they couldn't talk. I can't remember which one it was. I asked my mom what i was like because she had gone before. She said it was intense. I didn't really know what that meant. I left the house and started driving.
I parked outside and met jer when i went in. We hugged in the elevator, and i asked him how galen is doing. He told me he'd be excited to see me, so that made me feel a lot more at ease. We walked off the elevator and down the hall towards galen's room. A woman yelled at us to get her some food and everyone laughed, so we did too.
I walked into galen's room and barely recognized him. They told me to put gloves on so i did. I went over to his side and held his hand and gave him a hug. He had no teeth, and whispered to me that my hair looked pretty. I said hi to the boys and we started talking, barely acknowledging where we were or what we were doing here. I finally got my book out of my bag, and asked galen if i could read him some of my book. He nodded yes, and i pick a random section. The author talked about how he could never relate to god because of the situation he had with his own dad. But when he became a father everything changed for him. The author talked about what it was like when he had his oldest daughter, and how much he loved her. I was glad because i was thinking about angela and ms. vickie, and i knew he was thinking about them too. He told me he liked my book, and i kept reading. The room was so hot.
The boys decided it was time to go, so they said goodbye and left the room and i told them i'd meet them. I went over to him, took off my gloves and held his hand and asked if i could pray for him. I prayed god would be with him, and that galen would always know god is right there. "Ye though we walk through the valley of the shadow of death we will fear no evil for god is with us." I said a little more, and closed with amen. He opened his eyes, and started gasping. He was crying, and i held his hand and rubbed his arm. He slowly, so slowly moved my hand up to his mouth and kissed my hand. I told him it was so great to see him and that i loved him, and hopefully i would see him again soon.
It was hard for me to type those last words.
I walked out of the room, and got ready to leave with the boys in the hall. I stepped back in to say goodbye, and i saw him wiping tears from his face. I waved goodbye and walked out, as tears filled up my eyes as we stepped on the elevator. Like I said to my mom, God is so good.
It feels like everything in life wants you to have a hard heart, that if you feel everything it will be almost too much. I think God wants us to feel everything, but when he's by our side we feel it a different way. I felt this a different way, and wasn't angry or upset when i left the hospital. I felt comforted and loved, and more overwhelmed that God was with me than ever before.

Gianna Jessen

Abortion Survivor, Gianna Jessen talks about what life was like for her after learning of her birth process. Unlike the millions of people today who can recount the hospital they were born in, how they got their name, and who was present, Gianna's story is much different. She was supposed to be born dead. Rather than coming into the world to a place that produces life, she was rushed to a hospital, a place that saves the ill or dying. Her story is a heartwarming one. She talks humbly and fearlessly about her life and the forgiveness she has experienced because of the chance she was given for life.

"If we don't know if the unborn is alive, why take the risk? If it's not alive, then why is an abortion necessary?" - Allison Martinez

Click Happy

My friend and I were discussing interests, and he asked me if I had ever heard of 'stumble.' I was completely confused and asked how you stumble. I got home, went to google, typed in stumble and next thing I knew i was analyzing myself from top to bottom and all my likes and dislikes.
There were things from art, to cooking, to video games, to jokes, to quotes, to clothes, to travel, and anything else you have ever caught yourself wondering about. They had it all. So ever since I created my stumble, all I have to do is click a little button on my internet browser and I'm brought to a website that is matched specifically to my interests. I can say if I like it, or don't like it. And if I do like it, it saves so I can go there whenever I like. I rarely find myself clicking the dislike button.
I would advise everybody to stumble upon their interests, excuse the pun ;)

Also, I've included some of my favorite websites that I've discovered.
If you like splatter paint and colors, or photography. How about timezones (it's not what you think), and of course quotes. Enjoy!